A newly hired channel executive thinks up the best for the worst. 1,195 words. Illustration by Thomas Warming.
To: FRN Staff
CC: Skip Delicious, Executive Consultant
From: Jack Ahze, President, Fake Reality Network
I am proud to welcome Mr. John “Skip” Delicious, Executive Consultant, to our FRN family. Mr. Delicious will be responsible for reimagining Fake Reality Network’s programming and turning it into a premiere niche network in at least 17 of the 48 continental United States and maybe Guam.
Mr. Delicious has had a long and storied career as an Executive Consultant in a variety of industries, from medical technology (The Ouchless Catheter) to fast food (Ox ‘n’ Brew). And his rate of success as an Executive Consultant is unparalleled in the annals of consulting. In fact, he was born to be a consultant. When he was seven years old, he used to walk down the street and stop random passersby and say things like, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” and “Might I suggest you diversify?”
I first became aware of Mr. Delicious in 1994, when he was working as a Executive Consultant in the field of Public Relations, and he advised Al Cowlings to “drive slower and put O.J. on the phone – you’ll get more face time.” I knew, even way back then, he and I would work together some day. And today is that day.
In the coming weeks you’ll all get to know and work with Mr. Delicious, and together we’ll make FRN destination viewing!
To: Jack Ahse & FRN Staff
From: Skip Delicious, Executive Consultant
First of all, CALL ME SKIP!!! I am happy to be a part of the FRN team and make us the best fake reality network we can be. Let’s hit the ground running!
I’m using the Bravo and TLC networks as prototypes for our FRN reimagining. When Bravo debuted in 1980, it specialized in shows about Irish Riverdancing and jazz; now, it’s become the home of shrieking Botoxed housewives and talent-free narcissistic singles who think it’s easier to meet people on TV than on Tinder or Grindr.
When the TLC network debuted in 1972, it stood for The Learning Channel, and featured shows like Paleoworld and The Great Castles Of Europe. Now, TLC offers up a slate of programs highlighted by little people, the morbidly obese and freakish human anomalies.
So, using those two networks as models, I have put the following shows in development for the upcoming season, a season in which FRN will become the gold standard in shlock TV! I look forward to meeting and working with you on all of these exciting new shows and hearing your ideas for other programs. Thank you and remember to call me Skip!
Little People, Big Heads – A hydrocephalic dwarf family has a hard time finding hats and sunglasses.
Hoarder Patrol – Producer Donald Trump puts a bunch of hoarders on the Arizona border so the place becomes so cluttered and filthy that Mexicans don’t want to cross to America.
Plus-Sized Sabras – Jewish women with enormous thighs wear bikinis to the beach just to aggravate gentile sunbathers.
My 600-Inch Clitoris – A woman with a gigantic clitoris has constant orgasms walking to work each morning by accidentally banging into the people in front of her.
The Man Who Mistook His Hat For A Toilet – From Oliver Sacks, author of The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat, this show is a psychological potpourri in which every episode ends with some poor confused soul uttering the catchphrase, "Go shit in your wife!"
Dolly’s Pardon – A sitting governor decides whether or not to extend pardons to five below-the-waist amputee murderers who arrive in court sitting on dollies or being pulled by their lawyers in little, red wagons.
18 And Counting Down – A religious family with 18 kids is horrified when the eldest son is sent to prison for sexual assault. The fun begins when all of his siblings sequentially go to jail, too, for their for own creepy sexual misadventures. As they get sent away, the title changes each week (17 And Counting Down, 16 And Counting Down). The last episode is only the father standing in an empty house, titled, What The Fuck?
Santa’s Claws – In this Christmas special, cameras follow a man with lobster hands on his new job as a chef in an open-kitchen seafood restaurant.
America’s Got Shingles! – Playboy model/medical expert Jenny McCarthy hosts a talent show featuring shingle-riddled contestants who are racked with pain and have open sores.
America’s Funniest Home Health Aides – video clips of the nation’s funniest underpaid caregivers telling jokes while sponge-bathing terminally ill patients.
Conjoined And Cranky – We follow a pair of Siamese Twins who don’t get along with one another as they go about their daily lives. Critics already are raving, "Loved him, hated her."
Whet Your Cleft Palate – A cooking competition in which top chefs compete to see whose culinary creations can reactivate the taste buds of the contestants, all of whom are rejects from The Smile Foundation.
Mixed Martial/Marshall Arts – A fight to the finish between the world’s best mixed martial arts fighters and heavily armed law enforcement officials. Let’s see if kicking, and punching can best AK-47s.
Stumps The Band – Audience members challenge limbless musicians to see if they can play songs, chosen right on the spot, with tongues, heads, shoulders, whatever.
The Look Of Love – Songwriter Burt Bacharach hosts a weekly game show where three families try to convince dementia patients that they’re their actual;y relatives. The winning family gets prizes selected specifically for them; the losing families get shared custody of Nana.
Kate Hopes For Eight – Cameras follow a reality mom (not Kate Gosselin or her brood) as she travels around the country trying to find eight people who like her.
The Real Housewives Of Betty Ford Center – Mean-spirited women who didn’t make the cut for Bravo’s Real Housewives shows enter rehab only to ignore 12-step programs in favor of Restylane fillers, laser treatments and periodic lesbian activity.
Charlie’s Real Angels – A documentary series profiling the only nine women in America who didn’t get a sexually transmitted disease, rash, wart, cold sore or bladder infection from a celebrity (excluding Charlie Sheen).
Toddlers & Transgenders –Cameras follow a bunch of four year olds as they try to answer the questions, “Is that Daddy or Mommy?” “What‘s making the bulge?” and “Why does that man look like Aunt Eleanor?”
Flip This Stoop – A real estate show for the underclass in which each week everyone’s favorite broker takes a homeless person on a tour of the city’s best doorways, alleys and benches to find the right residence.
Hide And Sick – A game show for the clinically depressed in which cameras follow five suicidal people as they go on a treasure hunt looking for guns, pills, plastic bags and razor blades to use for ending their lives.
Survivor: Guilt Island – A spin-off to Hide & Sick. this show places the family members of the suicide victim in a five-star Jamaica hotel to commiserate about “if only we’d known.” One by one, they are voted out and forced to stay at a Sandals resort for the remainder of the week. The lucky winner is the relative who grieves with the most gusto.
This story first postedhere on April 11, 2016. Television Fiction Package for Emmy Season