Short or tall. Blond or brunette. Whoever women are, Hollywood wants someone else. 552 words. Illustration by Mark Fearing.
SEEKING ACTRESSES AND ACTORS WITH TOTALLY ATTAINABLE QUALITIES FOR HIGH PROFILE TOP SECRET FEATURE FILM
OFFICIAL CASTING CALL: UNTITLED FEATURE FILM (MAJOR STUDIO)
*No phone calls. Email pitches ONLY*
FEMALE LEAD: Allison is effortlessly sexy but not intimidating: a true leading lady in every sense. She’s 
the girl next door to the girl next door; a classic beauty with an edgy quality that we cannot describe in words… but we’ll know it when we see it. Her imperfections make her who she is. Maybe she’s got a quirky birthmark on her thigh, or two different color eyes, or a penchant for wild lipstick. Surprise us!
Allison is the kind of girl you bring home to your parents who also happens to be a lot of fun. She is wholesome yet sexually uninhibited. (Please note: role requires simulated sex and full-frontal nudity. Talent will be required to disrobe at callbacks). Beautiful sans makeup but even more stunning with it, Allison doesn’t realize how pretty she is until a male character in the movie tells her she is, probably while removing her glasses. Allison is the type of gorgeous that makes Helen Of Troy look like a “6” (in an approachable way). One of the guys and also loyal to a group of close girlfriends, Allison is just as comfortable chugging a beer and playing pool as she is shopping, sipping a cosmo, and discussing her recovery from a non-life threatening eating disorder. A career-driven woman who finds time to have a fulfilling social life, Allison is confident yet nurturing.
When you meet Allison, you see a manic pixie/dream girl minus the manic part with a dash of femme fatale, the strength of Kathryn Bigelow when she won the Best Director Oscar over James Cameron, the brains of a young Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and the body of a classier Erin Brockovich (the real one. not Julia Roberts). Less a cookie-cutter Zooey Deschanel type (NO bangs. Reps, if your client has bangs, DO NOT submit for this role) and more of a Jessica Rabbit meets that Wildling girl from Game Of Thrones sort. Think Emma Stone if she invested in an organic spray tan and had smaller eyes. (BANGLESS EMMA STONE. WE REPEAT: EMMA STONE WHEN SHE DIDN’T HAVE BANGS.)
Should be between 5’5” and 5’7” (in flats) and in great physical shape for high-impact action sequences. Mixed martial arts skills and parkour a plus! Also a plus if you can explain to us what parkour is? Anyone?
Allison’s character is seen from ages 20 to 45 throughout the course of the film, so please submit actresses between ages 18 and 26.5 ONLY. (Reps, instruct your client to bring 2 of the following valid forms of ID to casting to verify age: driver’s license, birth certificate, passport, Soho House membership card.)
The actress playing Allison must be able to cry on cue. (Only REAL tears please; we can tell the difference. Tears of joy have a different chemical makeup than tears of agony, and the camera doesn’t lie.)
In addition to the above specifications, our ideal Allison has stellar comedy chops. Please indicate in your notes if your client currently competes on an improv team or does standup comedy. And if she does, tell her to stop.
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MALE LEAD: 20 to 45 years old. Andrew is a friendly and charismatic guy. A James Corden type.
Painfully, hilariously, tragically accurate. Not a wasted word.
Great and very funny!!!!!